A Global Warning

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Every person on the planet, whether they be tall/short, fat/skinny, all races, religions, and creeds all think of the five same things when they think of Australia. These things are the wildlife (kangaroos, koalas, baby-eating dingos, etc.), surfing, Crocodile Dundee, Foster's (which they actually don't sell down here), and vegemite. In our current global situation everyone is trying to find a way to help the planet in their own little way. This blog post is my effort to help the world. I need to warn you all of a very real issue down here in Australia. Vegemite is terrible.
This is no laughing matter. Vegemite is legitimately the worst thing I have ever tasted in my entire life. We found some tucked away in our food pantry and after seeing the expiration date was not until December of 2010 (meaning it was probably made in 1973) it was only a matter of time before curiosity got the best of us. After our morning jog/walk (mostly walk) we came back all ready for some breakfast. After a bowl of cereal and cooking toast over the oven we wondered what to do next. There it was. The vegemite was looking at all of us. It was then that Tom, Jared, and I stepped up to the plate and decided to smear some of this topping on a piece of bread and dive in.
Before I continue, I feel a need to describe vegemite to those of you out there who have never seen or heard of it. It has been made since 1923, which I find incredible since this stuff is still around yet I can't find Dunkaroos in the states anywhere. It comes in a regular looking container like peanut butter or jelly would. Once you open it you are met with a substance that looks like what I imagine ear wax would look like if you cooked it over an open flame. It has the consistancy of tar and the smell alone causes dogs and other small animals to flee from the room. It has a few hard to pronouce chemicals and then lists among its ingredients both "colours" and "flavours". I feel this is meant to be a warning, saying that anyone who is too stupid not to avoid eating something without knowing what "flavors and colours" are in it deserve what they are about to get.
The first bite was not too bad, although I admit it was mostly bread. Then it hit. The vegemite touched all of our tongues at the exact same moment and the look on their faces, as I imagine was on mine, was one of pure terror. The taste is one which is hard to put into words, much like it is hard to describe a sunset and convey the full effect of its magnitude. The taste of salt was overwhelming, followed by a taste unlike anything I had ever tasted. It brought to mind licking the bottom of a construction worker's boot after a long day of reshingling a roof. Our eyes went wide, a cold sweat broke out, and we immediately began frantically looking for the door. Tom and Jared both made it to the trashcan with their piece of pre-chewed vege-bread, but in desperation mine ended up leaving my mouth and sailing into the yard, where I imagine it will stay for all eternity because no animal will go near the stuff. We all then stormed back into the kitchen looking for anything that could get the taste of this out of our mouths and out of our lives forever. Tom tried furiously chugging water, jared dove into a bowl of Fruit Loops, and I decided to try my luck with a glass of orange juice, or as they call it here "orange fruit drink" (one part water, one part sugar, one part orange).
Thinking that was the end of it, we vowed to never taste the stuff again and went about cleaning it up and making sure it never saw the light of day again. Then the headaches began. We all began feeling the same headache in the same spot of our foreheads. Being that we are on a Sports Medicine field study, we decided to coin the phrase "vegemite hangover" and will look to have it published in a major medical journal soon.
I write this to warn you all. Vegemite is the source of all evil. If anyone ever offers you vegemite, your response should be an emphatic "No" and then you may feel free to punch them in the face, stomach, or groin for trying to subject you to the perils of vegemite consumption. As we look to enter a new age on this planet, I feel a major step in this process is the destruction of all vegemite and vegemite-related products. Disposal may be difficult as burning of the vegemite would lead to toxic fumes, burying of it would inevitably lead to ground water pollution, and locking it away together somewhere would only give it time to regroup and devise a plan for escape. I will leave these plans to the suits in Washington, but I emplore you all to write your local Congressman and plead that he draft a bill making trying to smuggle vegemite into America a crime on par with trying to sneak in any other weapon. If we cannot destroy it, then it needs to come with a warning label similar to those on cigarette cartons: "Warning: Vegemite may lead to nausea, vomiting, dizziness, cotton mouth, birth defects, spontaneous combustion, leprosy, and sudden death. Use at your own risk."
That's all for now. Keep checking in for updates. Remember, a vegemite-free home is a happy home. G'day.